[Editor's note: College football's regular season is almost over. We think. But as the season-long Bottom 10 contenders are wrapping up their campaigns, a late charge is coming from the Power 5 likes of the Big 12, Big Ten and Pac-12.]
Inspirational thought of the week
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart
Never forget who you are
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Flying higher than all the birds in the sky
Never forget who you are
Never forget where you come from
-- "Little Star," Madonna
Here at The Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the Richie Rich-like pile of money collected by the Coastal Carolina student who came up with those "Mormons vs. Mullets" T-shirts, we never forget where we came from or who got us there in the first place.
Take Coastal Carolina, which not so long ago was solidly amid these rankings on a regular basis. But last Saturday night, there I was in Conway, South Carolina, working as a sideline reporter for ESPNU's coverage of the AP top-15 showdown between the Chanticleers and the BYU Cougars. As I recited fact after fact about Coastal, our game producer jumped into my ear (no, not literally, through my headset) and asked, "How do you know so much about this team and this school?!"
I replied, "I've been writing The Bottom 10 for seven years now, so I have watched a lot of football games played in this stadium. You should know this. Do you not read The Bottom 10 every week?"
There was a pause. Then, he finally replied. "No. Sorry, man."
I thought about the incredible slight that was to Coastal and the other once-poor-but-now-proud teams that used to live in The Bottom 10 full time but had somehow managed to scrape their way into the Top 25, like Bruce Wayne escaping from that weird prison hole during that last bad Christian Bale Batman movie. I screamed into my microphone, "Don't bother me again with your insulting questions! Besides, I'm busy out here on the sideline!"
"Getting ready for our game?" the producer sheepishly asked.
"No!" I blared back. "I'm watching Bowling Green and Akron!"
With apologies to Josh Norman, Dustin Johnson and Steve Harvey, here is this week's Bottom 10.
1. ULM (pronounced "uhlm") (0-10)
There continue to be those who insist that the Warhawks don't deserve to be in this top bottom spot. However, the Warhawks themselves beg to differ. After losing their penultimate game of the season, 48-15 to Arkansas State, the school fired head coach Matt Viator, who I'm now noticing has a last name that comes up just shy of being a Victor.
2. Boiling Green in Northern Illinois (0-5/0-5)
The first half of our two-week MACtion Bottom 10 Playoff was one for the books, but only if those books are coloring books with pages missing and all the remaining pages covered in scribbles. Bowling Green lost to defending Bottom 10 champ Akron in a 31-3 squeaker. That brings us to this weekend, when Northern Ill-ugh-noise will travel to face the Eastern Michigan University Emus in what was supposed to be the conference's second consecutive matchup of 0-and-something teams. But Eastern Michigan had the audacity to upset Western Michigan. My granny was right. Some people just can't have nice things.
3. UMess (0-4)
The Minutemen have no games remaining on their schedule for 2020, but sources have told Bottom 10 JortsCenter that UMass plans to spend its holidays in Storrs, throwing ketchup-filled snowballs at Randy Edsall's office.
4. Kansas Nayhawks (0-9)
KU's season was supposed to be finished by now, but this weekend the Jayhawks will host Texas in a contest that was rescheduled from Nov. 21. Prior to the game, former longtime besieged LSU head coach Les Miles is expected to invite Tom Herman to join him at a pancake breakfast meeting of the football coaches support group Being United Your Options Undoubtedly Thrive, aka B.U.Y.O.U.T.
5. Ore-uh-gone (3-2)
Shoutout to way back when we thought the Ducks were going to be the team that was just good enough that we would have to take the Pac-12 seriously as a CFP sleeper and Mario Cristobal was on the short list of "Guys to call if Saban ever retires." And when I say "way back when," I mean two weeks ago before they lost to Oregon State and Cal.
6. unLv (0-5)
After three weekends that saw two game cancellations, the Fightin' Tarks were threatening to fall off the Bottom 10 radar. Then their quarterback issued an apology for eating sushi off a nude model on a yacht in front of TV cameras that were recording for a cable reality show. So, now they are back in the Bottom 10. That's what we call leadership.
7. Sir, Accused Orange (1-10)
The good news is that quarterback Tommy DeVito has announced he will be returning in 2021. The bad news is that while he was making his announcement, a bunch of random people pushed his offensive line out of the way and sacked him again.
8. FI(not A)U (0-5-4-2)
When the Panthers were forced to cancel their would-be season finale with Louisiana Tech, it brought their final record to 0 wins, 5 losses, 4 postponements and 2 cancellations. Technically, the postponements are still on the board to be played and we here at Bottom 10 HQ have noticed that one of those PPDs is against Charlotte. The 49ers are actually the 2-and-4ers, or more accurately the 2-and-4-and-5-and-2ers. Because we are still attempting to sort out FIU's final Bottom 10 worthiness, we'd like to see their Charlotte game rescheduled. And yes, we see that Charlotte is slated to play Marshall this weekend, a game moved from last month, but who are they kidding? It's Charlotte 2020. Marshall won't show up. Heck, the Herd didn't show for Rice last weekend. Yes, they played a game against Rice, but they lost 20-0, so no, they never showed up.
9. Vanderbilt Commode Doors (0-8)
This weekend Vandy hosts Tennessee in the Volunteer State Pillow Fight of the Week presented by Dollywood. The winner of the game gets Coastal Carolina coach Jamey Chadwell's phone number.
10. By The Time I Get To Arizona (0-4)
But before that game comes the Grand Canyon State Pillow Fight of the Week presented by Meteor Crater. The winner of this game between 0-4 Arizona and 0-2 Arizona State gets the Territorial Cup, but this year the 121-year-old trophy will be filled with melted crayons and thumbtacks.
Waiting List: Tempered Owls (1-6), Duke Blew It Devils (2-8), Meechigan (2-4), Yew-tah State (1-5), Florida State Semi-No's (2-6), No-braska (2-4), US(not C)F (1-8), Texas State Armadillos (2-10), every Big Ten team that isn't OSU, IU, Northwestern or Iowa, COVID-19.